Cozy Was His Name
Cozy was his name and women were his game and the pelts of many ladies hung from rafters of his mind. He loved them all for the hour or so he’d spend with them and many ladies never tired of this country boy who could talk beautifully while their husbands were away hunting or fishing.
Cozy never came a-calling while a husband was around although husbands in the rural countryside and town had heard of Cozy's reputation but they never thought of him consorting with their
wives. Not their wives. And there were many women thereabouts who would
never look or talk to Cozy. But other ladies kept him busy talking
which Cozy loved to do before it was time to get down to business.
The odd thing is, Cozy
was a religious man, went to church every Sunday, met some lovely
ladies there, prime prospects for later in the week. He was "born
again,” in a spiritual sense, in his late teens and believed that when
he died he was going to Heaven. His wife married him right out of high
school, had no idea he was the philanderer he had turned out to be and
loved him dearly. She was proud that Cozy, like everyone else in their
church, was "born again."
“Once saved, always
saved,” Cozy would often say at the local diner without any prompting.
And many in the town and countryside agreed with him. But not everyone.
There was another
church in town where congregants were also "born again" but the belief
at that church was one could lose one’s soul if one lived in sin despite
one’s faith and failed to repent before one died. Cozy and his wife
never went to that church. When they died, they were going to Heaven.
They were “born again” and that settled it for them.
One husband of a lady
Cozy used to call on regularly became suspicious when he had come home
earlier than expected from a hunting trip and found his wife
singing “Amazing Grace" and dressed the way she had never dressed for
him. She wasn’t expecting him until deer season ended the following day.
But in the ashtray was a dead cigarillo, or small cigar, and no one the
husband knew smoked cigarillos except Cozy, who always seemed to have
one in his hand or jutting from his mouth. A small liquor store just
outside of town stocked this particular brand just for Cozy. No one else
bought them.
The husband didn’t say
anything about the cigarillo, just went about his business farming and
tending to the family garden as time went by as it does when one makes
one’s living from the land. He loved to garden, was always weeding, and
used to tell his wife that a garden was like a soul.
“You have to
keep a garden free of weeds just as you have to keep a soul free of
sin,” the husband would say at times when his wife was sitting around
drinking coffee and working crossword puzzles. “Weeds come up every day,” he’d say. “And sins are just as plentiful. They can kill you.”
The husband was "born again" as was Cozy but he and his wife attended the other church, the one that didn’t hold
to the belief that “once saved, always saved.” Their pastor taught that
a believer steeped in sin without repentance would go to Hell, no
questions asked. Christ died for everyone, the pastor preached, but He
didn’t suffer hypocrites gladly.
“Break the
commandments and die without repenting and you will wake up in Hell,”
the preacher often said, pounding the pulpit, especially if some
congregant in the pews had been rumored to be up to no good recently.
This pastor's congregation was not as large as the one at Cozy’s
church. “Once saved, always saved,” without restriction, had greater
appeal for many of the families who farmed the area.
Not too long after
finding the cigarillo in the ash tray, the suspicious husband arranged
another hunting trip out of state, this time for pheasant, and told his
wife he would be gone a week and hoped to come home with a mess of good
meat for the freezer. She wished him good luck, but shortly after he
left the house with all his hunting gear, she gave Cozy a call.
“I’ll be over in an hour,” Cozy said. "Can’t wait to see you.”
Cozy arrived on time, swathed in Mennen After-Shave lotion, but
was unaware the husband, instead of going on his hunting trip, was
hiding behind one of the outbuildings, rifle in hand. He let Cozy go in
the house, then went up on the front porch and waited for the lights to
go out, quietly entered the house and put two bullets in Cozy’s
buttocks, the first thing he saw. Then he stood over Cozy and called the
sheriff. No one can remember what the charges were but Cozy got two
years. He served them quietly and was paroled early for good behavior,
albeit once again during deer season.
Cozy really liked the
wife of the man who had shot him, perhaps even loved her, so as soon as
he had packed away a big breakfast of biscuits and gravy at the local
diner he gave her a call. She was glad to hear from him and said her
husband would be gone for another three days and he was welcome to come
over.
“Can’t wait to see you, Cozy. I bet you have a lot to say,” she said.
The problem is, her
husband had heard about Cozy’s early parole in town two weeks earlier.
Once again he was hiding behind the same outbuilding, rifle in hand,
when Cozy, swathed in Mennen After-Shave lotion, arrived. This time he
shot Cozy between the eyes and Cozy never took another breath.
The funeral at Cozy’s
church was not that well attended. A few older women who always prepared
food for post-funeral services were there with their fried chicken and
apple pies as were their husbands if they were still alive. But nowhere
in the pews were any of the ladies who had been regular consorts of the
dead man.
The pastor explained
that Cozy, "born again" long ago, was in Heaven now. He said nothing
about the man who had shot him. The shooter had not been charged with
murder since Cozy had been caught violating another man’s property,
namely the man’s wife. No one disagreed with that principle in this farm
area. Property there, especially a man’s wife, was not to be violated.
The big argument
in town, however, was whether Cozy, "born again" but a lifelong
adulterer, was in Heaven or in Hell. It’s an argument that still goes
on today between congregants at the same two churches who gather at the
diner in town after services on Sunday mornings and Wednesday nights.
But they are not alone. Essentially the same argument—“once saved,
always saved”--resounds among millions of believers throughout the
United States and perhaps the world at other churches, large and small,
as well.
Donal Mahoney
It may have been the devil himself who prompted the kids in my schoolyard back in 1947 to chant "Patsy Foley's roly-poly from eating too much ravioli."
At first, no one could remember who started the chant. Patsy, a sweet and ample child, was
in the third grade. As happenstance would have it, I was in that same
third grade, infamous already as the only boy wearing spectacles in our
class. After I got the glasses, I had three schoolyard fights in three
days to prove to Larry Moore, Billy Gallagher and Fred Ham that I hadn't
changed a bit. You would think I would have forgotten their names by
now. Not a chance. I didn't like being messed with in third grade.
Since the chant would often begin and gather volume during recess, the nuns who ran the school eventually heard it and did their best to put a stop to it. This was a time when nuns, God bless them, were empowered by parents to swat the butts of little miscreants if any of them interrupted the educational process.
Despite their voluminous habits, the nuns were adept at administering
discipline, let me tell you, as my butt, on more than one occasion,
could attest.
Now, 65 years later, when the chant pops into my mind, I begin to
wonder what prompted me to say it. Early on, I certainly loved to hear
the sound of words bouncing off each other--as if words were pool balls
scattered by a cue. Later on I would use words to earn a living. They
were the only tools I was any good with.
As I remember it
now, the chant started one day after a school practice in church
involving Gregorian chant. Some of the other kids later alleged that
they had heard me, of all people, on the way back to class, chanting "Patsy Foley's roly-poly from eating too much ravioli."
I probably had some idea of the problem my chant might cause. But I loved the sound of it too much to stop.
If Dick Clark had been on American Bandstand back in 1947, he might have said the chant had "a nice beat" to it, but kids weren't dancing much
in 1947. World War II had just ended and school was a serious matter.
Even kids who didn't like books usually tried their best.
Since I was only
in third grade, one might think that I might have had some emotional or
mental problem that caused me to chant that phrase over and over. That
could be. If a child did something like that today, he or she might be
examined for Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). Maybe I
had something like that. But in my mind the reason I chanted about Patsy
Foley is that I liked the sound. It didn't hurt that my father was
always saying things at home that had a bit of a turn to them. I
remember how I used to enjoy the cadence of what he said and repeating
it when he wasn't around. He used words differently than other fathers
in the neighborhood and he delivered them in a melodic Irish brogue.
My mother, who was
bereft of verbal rhythm, would sometimes ask my father a serious
question when he was fresh home from a hard day's work, climbing alley
poles as an electrician. Usually her question would pertain to some
family matter that she had been fretting about all day. And my father,
sitting on a chair in our little kitchen while stripping off his gear,
might say in response, "And what would Mary Supple say to that?"
It's a shame that
over the years my mother, sister and I never found out who Mary Supple
was because her name was frequently invoked. Nor did we ever find out
who John Godley was, either, even though my father would sometimes
substitute John Godley for Mary Supple in that same response. He never
said these things in anger, although he did have a terrific temper. He
could erupt at any time and you didn't want to get in the way of the
lava.
At other times,
when my father was asked a question by my mother at an inconvenient
time, he might look her in the eye and say, "Ten thousand Swedes ran
through the weeds chased by one Norwegian," a line that did not
originate with him but was one that he repeated with a special flair.
The words certainly sounded good to me, whatever they meant. We didn't
know any Swedes or Norwegians and had no idea if there might be some
conflict going on between them. True, World War II had just ended but we
didn't think the Swedes and Norwegians had been actively involved.
Sometimes my
mother on a Sunday morning would ask my father if he was going to get
dressed for church. He might have been taking a sip of his fifth cup of
tea at the time. He wouldn't get angry but he sometimes would lean back
and sonorously intone one of the many Burma Shave billboard slogans that
dotted highways in that era: "Whiskers tough old Adam had 'em. Does
your husband have whiskers like Adam, Madam?" I liked the sound of that
slogan as well. Today, it still pops into my mind during arid moments.
And as my wife will attest, she has heard it frequently over the years.
I think it's
pretty easy to see, then, why I, as a third-grader, instead of
concentrating on multiplication and division, preferred to chant "Patsy
Foley's roly-poly from eating too much ravioli." I am glad, however,
that the nuns took it upon themselves to discipline me and did not call
my parents instead. After all, my father was paying tuition to send me
to that fine school to get a good education. He did not send me there to
engage in tom-foolery, a pursuit that he, of course, would have known
nothing about even if his legacy among relatives said otherwise.
Besides, in my
mind, no nun, no matter how mountainous she may have been, was a match
for my father. He had been a boxer after he had emigrated to America
from Ireland, a relocation occasioned by the British army after they had
imprisoned him as a young man for activities in the Irish Republican
Army. My mother said he loved boxing and had won eight straight matches
before "some big black guy" broke his nose. After that, he never boxed
again, she said, because he "didn't want to lose his good looks." He was
a handsome man indeed, despite a nose that looked as though at any
moment it might call geese to fly lower.
Years later, some
neighbor ladies at a block party made some nice comments to my mother
about my father's appearance. When she came home, she told my sister
what they had said and forewarned her that "handsome is as handsome
does." In many ways, that's quite true, even though that line didn't
originate with my mother. Come to think of it, though, I like the sound
of that line as well and might have chanted it more than once had I
heard it in third grade.
Donal Mahoney