Acts of God

Let the Egyptians boil in the foam of their roiling

Red Soup, choke on goat bones, meet the wrath

— though, think about it:  They were just grunts,

doing the Man’s business.  Sometimes, the Hebrews

were the mercenaries.  This time, the Egyptians

were Chaldeans and Persians and, for all I know,

Prussians.

Moses walks into McDonald’s with Aaron and stutters

his order for a large f-f-f-fries.  Aaron rolls his eyes. 

“Take a breath, little brother, no rush. Sigh a moment

of peace.  God knows, you seared your hands wrestling

the bush, and your face, the ripples of your scars are

hard to look at.”

Miriam, the youngest, wanted to take that raw face

in her hands and fold it to her breasts as if to suckle

the sad, stunned boy inside.

God claims full measure.

- 

​--​

Six distractions

during five dances by the Chicago Repertory Ballet

Mother sins. Women save.

The dance,

elegant clumsy thighs,

thick steel, smooth strength.

Mother thunder. Women meadow.

The dance,

sleek ancient,

buttocks beauty.

Mother stone. Women touch.

The dance,

shoulder, shoulder, shoulder,

blue pulse.

Mother shut. Women shout.

The dance,

long leg, long arm,

sinewed song.

Mother dark. Women shine.

The dance,

full-bodied Alleluia

and thanks be to God.

Mother fear.  Women hope.

---

Stone and flesh

Eternal, I stand dark before

boulder on boulder on

boulder on boulder, floor

to cave ceiling, voiceless

idol, her face the top, with

toddler brother’s hand in

mine —- our dread, our

yearning, our electricity too

frail to puncture her stone

skin and guts and mind and

heart, her vengeful glare

lighted by all the lights of the

Cosmos, blinding, one stealing

around to the next cave and

the same idol, and my brother

staying behind to bash his

skull all the days of his life

against the stern inert flesh.

---

Words and phrases from William Styron’s book about depression, highlighted in yellow by my brother several years before his suicide — a found poem*

wasn’t cheered by the festive occasion dank joylessness habitual pretense failure of alleviation laid low gloom crowding in excruciating near-paralysis maintain rosy view need day over shadows encroaching anxiety and dread demanding struggle obliterated any enjoyable response

close to actual pain drowning suffocation positive and active anguish immobilized trance of supreme discomfort helpless stupor full-time exhaustion almost measurably worse brownout ferocious inwardness immense distraction

guilt and self-condemnation absence of hope leaden and poisonous mood pattern of distress intensity and relief incomplete letup immediate upheaval nearly helpless a bullet through his brain

black despondency

melancholia howling tempest in the brain less zestful waiting to swoop down indifferent suffocating gloom aching solitude violent thoughts near paralysis sapped drained without savor absence of dreams death a daily presence think ceaselessly of oblivion

stretched on such a torture rack dependence a world soon obliterated full of anguish suffering crucifixion

an end to myself either course was torture inner convulsion despair beyond despair an irreversible decision oncoming disaster extinction inadequate apologies go out in silence numbly unresponsive some last gleam of sanity

only duty try to get well

the abyss mysterious in its coming still shaky

struck again grip of depression at its ghastliest unrealistic hopelessness genetic roots

a dark wood horror of depression only remedy behold the stars

*Words and phrases highlighted in a paperback edition of Styron’s Darkness Visible: A Memoir of Madness (Vintage). Each stanza is from a different chapter in the book.

Patrick T. Reardon